I was having to go to work – a waitressing job – when I suddenly remembered that I had left Wolf in an empty house somewhere and didn’t even know if I could remember my way back to the house. I couldn’t fucking believe I had done that. He hadn’t wanted to come out when I left and I had planned on going back later and getting him, but I had forgotten, and now it had been days and days – with no food or water, plus the likelihood that somebody would have already found him there and taken him somewhere else was high.
Plus I didn’t know when I was supposed to be at work and for all I knew I had already missed my shift. I was trying to get dressed in double time so I could go see if wolf was still there, or look around the neighborhood for him, checking the animal shelters etc., if he wasn’t, and if he was I didn’t know how I could just leave him in the car all night, if I did in fact have to work. In the meantime I’m putting makeup on and got too much brown eye shadow on and had to take it off, with the clock tick tick ticking the minutes away.
There was a teeny weeny positive aspect to that dream which was that when I removed the eye shadow it all came off in one swipe – thank god for small favors and all that jazz, but it didn’t do a thing to alleviate any of the gut churning stress. I was criticizing myself mercilessly for the unbelievable acts of leaving Wolf there, and for not writing down my work schedule. There was no way I could undo any of it and I couldn’t see how it was logistically possible to have it all turn out right.
My stomach was churning sickeningly and my hand was shaking uncontrollably as I redid the eyeliner, while in my mind I was desperately going over and over and over the situation, even though I knew that finding a solution was not only against all odds, it was impossible. The facts was the facts was the facts, and there was no denying the facts.
I see now that the solution I was so desperate to find was a miracle, but I was too caught up in the facts as I saw them, too shocked by what I had done, too frozen in disbelief to even begin to realize I could CREATE the miracle that I had not even been able to bring myself to hope for with something so simple as a different perspective.
All in all, I’d say that dream perfectly illustrates my current emotional state and points out my direction… from disbelief to belief. Guess I better pack my bags, ‘cause apparently I’m setting off on a journey.
18Sept2014: I packed my bags alright, or rather my son did. And it was a pretty melodramatic exit I might add. I’m still on that journey. Just thought I’d make a note of that fact. And since I always love to have a moral to the story then I will add: Things don’t always work out the way you thought they would, but they always work out for your highest good, even if there seems to be no way they possibly could.