Almost a Year Later

Boy, I can hardly let Desiree continue to pay for this if I’m not using it, and I can think of better things to do with my money too, than to keep paying for something I don’t use. Good thing I was headed here anyway to make my list of the things that I will do tomorrow (I am not including in this list the things I won’t do, or the things I will do that I didn’t plan to do.)

I have to make Friday Dinner of course, since it is massage day. I’ll make scalloped potatoes with broccoli and ham, and a salad with everyone’s favorite fire cider honey vinaigrette.

I will ph balance the hot tub. And I’ll probably walk out to the pond to see if it’s still alive. The ice is pretty thick and that pump is pretty shallow. Well, not the pump, but the water it’s sitting in. If the fish don’t survive I won’t replace them… I would never again willingly put any poor little fishies through that cold black hell ever again. If it wasn’t thick with brown algae and if it was a little deeper I wouldn’t be so stressed about it – the little fishies wouldn’t be so stressed either.

I will chunk up my bananas and freeze them.

I will plant my cayenne peppers!

I’ll probably start another Nero Wolf novel too.

Right now I’m off to the Alien Healing Pod that to normal people who don’t know the secret code it just looks like a nice hot tub.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

ALIEN HEALING POD

 

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Sunday June28 2015

The day after the big storm that flooded and probably washed away the lemon mint seeds that I had just planted the day before. (fuck a sad face here, I’m pretty irritated about it!)

The other day I was in the up in the big kitchen cooking my mother’s belated b-day dinner and couldn’t find something I needed (as usual). No one was up there so I had to go through the whole kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers looking for it. I don’t think I ever found it, but what I did find, in an out-of-the-way drawer, buried under a big white bath towel, was the damned white cup I’ve been wondering what happened to for weeks!

At first I thought maybe Noelani had done it, she and JK both are into hiding stuff they want to keep for themselves (as opposed to just keeping it in their rooms). But then, just a few minutes ago I was standing at my sink washing a few dishes and JK was leaning against my door talking to me and I saw her do a double take over to my desk. And although her eyes didn’t actually pop wide open in shock, that was the feeling I got from her. Then I saw her try to focus in on the details of something with ‘is that what I think it is?!? energy pouring out of her eyes, while trying to feign a casual appearance with the rest of her body. I turned around to see what she was looking at and there was that cup sitting there on my desk, full of ginger tea (obviously I didn’t leave it there in that stupid hiding place, hahahaha!)

Desiree found a snake in her computer room today.

 

 

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COUNTRY HOUSE by Ch’u Ch’uang I

I planted a hundred mulberry trees

And thirty acres of rice.

Now I have plenty of silk and grain,

And can afford to entertain my friends.

In the Spring I plant rice.

In the Autumn I gather chrysanthemums

And perfume the wine with their petals.

My wife enjoys being hospitable.

My children like to help serve.

Late afternoon, we give a picnic

At the back of the overgrown garden

In the shade of the elms and willows.

My friends drink until they are inspired.

The fresh breezes cool the heat of the day.

After everyone has gone home,

I walk out under the Mily Way,

And look up at the countless stars

That watch me from heaven.

I still have plenty of jugs in the cellar.

Nobody will prevent me From opening some more tomorrow.

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SHAOLIN MONKS:

* Never skip a workout*

*Rise before dawn and meditate outside* 

*Do seated meditation/chanting, & practice ‘mindfulness’ while moving through their day*  

*Take public vows – they are absolutely committed*  

*Think of food as medicine*  

*Believe that 10 minutes of focused training is more productive than an hour and a half of unfocused training*  

*Welcome negative emotion as a gift- an opportunity to progress on their path*  

*Know that the peaceful heart is always here*

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Ringo

From here on out I will try to remember to refer to the person whom I (and others) know as Sky-something, as ‘Ringo’. :))

The reason for this is because he values his privacy. I think this story is a perfect example of just how MUCH he values his privacy: Early one evening, back when he was about 11, the security guard at the apartment complex where we lived came knocking on our door. He had ‘Ringo’ in tow (he may as well have had him by the ear from the energy that hit me when I opened the door.) He wants to know “does this one belong to you?” I acknowledge that yes, he lives here and that he is my son. Then he asks me what my son’s name is. I don’t know why he’s asking me this but I figure I’m in trouble (since I don’t have a clue what name ‘Ringo’ might have given him, hehe). I try to mumble the name that I daren’t speak here- directed at the wall rather than to either of their ears, but to no avail… it was clearly the wrong name and apparently the guard already knew that and was using me to prove it.

 What had happened was ‘Ringo’ had tried to get into the garage before the automatic garage door closed (definitely better than walking the half mile around to the back door), but the door was already almost all the way closed and ‘Ringo’ ended up getting his head stuck under the door. He’s layin’ there in excruciating pain wondering what his fate is gonna be when the guard comes walking by and sees the situation. ‘Ringo’ gets rescued but has to prove he really lives there. You know the rest.

I don’t know why he felt it was important to protect his privacy in that way, but he did. I guess I should expect mysterious or secretive behavior from a Virgo who wrote backwards as a child, hahaha! (I found out it’s called mirror writing. His teachers had a hard time getting him to write forwards, I thought maybe he never would. I wouldn’t have stressed out about it so much though if I had known that Leonardo da Vinci wrote like that in his private journals. Supposedly it was natural for him to write backwards, but for stuff that was going to be read by others he wrote forwards.)

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Voice in the Wind

I have been sitting around waiting to know what I wanted to say before I started writing, which is surely a good thing, but I’ve been waiting quite a few years now! I didn’t like the idea of posting anything that I might later read over with an eyeroll and be thankful nobody else had read, hehehe. But just now I saw an interview with Bob Dylan where some reporter asked him about something he had said at some other time and Dylan says “Did I say that?” and the answer was yeah he did. He scratched his nose, scratched his head, rubbed his eyes… he appeared to be thinking pretty hard on it, then says, laughing, “I don’t know where I was that day”.  If he can do that in front of the whole world, I can certainly do it in a place of my verry own! Plus I can just delete the comment if I later decide that ‘I don’t know where I was that day.” Hahaha. So I will start today with this.

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Dear Diary

This is what has upset me:

Jk’s helpy-helpertonitis led her to make a commitment that affected the rest of us, without first checking with the rest of us to find out how willing we were to participate in said commitment.

The result was a bout of stressed-outness that caused me to miss my ‘morning’ Qigong (due to presence of a big black hairy 3-legged slobbering dog whining piteously on the patio where I like to get my daily dose of relaxed and peaceful fresh air and sunshine while doing Qigong exercises with my kitties relaxing and enjoying the sunshine all around me, who were instead hunched warily in front of their locked kitty door with the freedom to make their own decision about staying or going removed from their list of options.)

This is how it went down:

At about 7:30AM JK came down, locked the kitty door and proceeded to walk in and out of the back screen door, which is basically located at the foot of my bed, while talking to somebody on the phone. At about 10:30 Des woke me up by storming out of her room and slamming shut the wooden door which is in front of the screen door which is basically at the foot of my bed, which I had left open for fresh air circulation while I slept. She ignored me when I asked her why. When I heard the whining dog and the feet tromping back and forth and here and there and around and around upstairs I understood.

It didn’t occur to me to wonder why she would need to close the door though, because at that point I thought JK was probably ‘dogsitting’ Noelani’s and Robert’s cute little puppy dog and had him locked up in Noelani’s room. I was wrong, but didn’t find that out until about noon when I was again awakened, this time by JK who tromped down to wake me up and fling a bunch of stressed out energy at me, stomping off before I could even figure out what the hell she was going on about, leaving a trail of disturbed airwaves in her wake.

Well, I wasn’t going back to sleep this time, and it was an hour and a half before I had planned on getting out of bed. So I got up and that was when I found out we had a prisoner in our backyard… and it wasn’t a cute little puppy dog. The situation called for a big cup of sweet, creamy yerba mate and a steady stream of cigarettes (to help me deal with all this unwanted mental energy I was grappling with), and since swimming does not go well with caffeine and nicotine in my system either, I missed a day at the hot tub and pool as well.

Then came Noelani and Robert – with the intention of sitting on the patio with the dogs to do their homework… while my kitties and I sat locked up inside? I don’t think so. I expressed my extreme displeasure with that arrangement. Which boiled down to my flinging a bunch of stressed out energy in their ‘sweet little faces’.

The is how it turned out:

Since the kids didn’t want to do something that was so distressing to me they did not use the patio, and since I could not easily and comfortably do Qigong after indulging in caffeine and nicotine I did not use the patio, therefore the patio sat all by it’s lonesome self while the sun was shining gaily. Now it’s all dark and gloomy out there.

But as unwelcome as that wake-up call was it was exactly that… a wake-up call. First of all, it helped me see that my Qigong practice was on it’s way to becoming something I have to do in order to check it off on my ‘absolutely have to-do-or-I’m-a no-good-rotten-failure-and-If-I-don’t-get-my-shit-together-I’m-going-to-die-that-way’ list.

It helped me realize that I don’t HAVE to do Qigong for 100 days in a row, at the same time each day without missing a day, I don’t have to do it for 49 days at the same time each day without missing a day, just because some guy in China said I should. An inflexible routine performed by rote is not the objective (although I am looking forward to the improvement in my physical well-being that will surely be present after a few months of regular practice.)

Rather, the reason I do Qigong is to promote relaxation and lithe physical expression of free-flowing energy. It is not promoting free-flowing flexibility if I have to go against the flow to accomplish it. I do it because it’s fun and it feels good, it gives me an excuse to be outdoors breathing deeply in the fresh air.

Next, this morning’s wake-up call delivered a perfectly clear illustration of how the decisions that people make while under stress do not always work out to be in their best interests, or anyone else’s for that matter… it seems to result in a lose/lose situation. And now I know that the best decision I can make while feeling stressed is the decision to find comfort and ease first, then decide whatever else it is I need to decide. 

Further, I realized that my default reaction to stress is ‘blame shame and regret’ and on closer inspection I see that that’s actually a pretty good indicator of my dominant vibration. And what that means is that, if I want my default setting to be ‘comfort and ease’ then I have to deliberately, diligently, and determinedly practice the feeling of comfort and ease. What a job of work. Hahahahaha!

All in all the situation provided me with a dose of sparkling clarity that has really helped me fine tune my focus. Additionally, now that everybody knows I do Qigong on the patio between 1 and 2, and that my kitties like to join me, this will not likely be a recurring situation.

Plus, Robert brought me down a couple of sticky, aromatic buds hoping it would make me feel better. It did. But I had already started moving in that direction on my own, so the weed was just a bonus.

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The Day I Inadvertently Organized My Junk Drawer While Performing A Writing Exercise

Not a very catchy title maybe, but it’s not a very catchy ‘story’ either, hehehe.

I have decided to do what Stephen King and others have suggested, and write 1000 words every day. Not only does it sound like fun, but it will also keep me away from ‘Mystic India Pop’ for long enough every day to get rid of the ‘tennis elbow’ in my ‘mouse’ hand. Anyway, this is my first effort toward that end. For today’s exercise, I was supposed to make a list of everything I found in a random drawer and then write a short story in which all those items appear, but writing the list itself has already made up more than the 1000 words that is my daily target so tomorrow I will make up a story. In the meantime, here are the contents of the junk drawer beside my desk:

One cell phone user guide, which I just put in my file cabinet, in case I ever need to try and decipher it.

Card reader with a card in it that is full of photos I am no longer interested in, taken with a digital camera with a broken viewfinder that I am no longer in possession of. (Is the word ‘of’ one of those prepositions that you are not supposed to end a sentence with? Oh well.)

Plastic spool for wrapping excess head phone cord around. Very tidy but it is sort of a pain in the ass to use. Although not as much as the cord tying itself in knots over and around everything on my desk, including things like dragon incense burners and overflowing ashtrays, causing them to end up on the floor. It is no longer in the drawer, it is now on my desk with my excess head phone cords neatly wrapped around it.

One electric cigarette charger with a red devil on it.

Spare set of headphones.

Telephone cord for a land line, very short, but long enough to get tangled up with everything else in the drawer. Definitely don’t need this.

One electric razor and a blue charger for it, with about 3 feet of coiled wire dangling from it, which of course was tangled up with all the other stuff  tangled up in the other tangled cord.

Nose and ear plugs in a clear plastic case for taking to the pool. I took them out of the drawer and put them in my pool bag.

A chub pad labeled ‘Positive Aspects’ that I have had for a few years. There is nothing but a phone number written in it.

A drink coaster with a picture of a guy with his kilt blowing up and showing his butt. Nice butt too. I think I’ll put that on my bedside table.

A small plastic baggie with some brown powder in it labeled ‘Krypton 30X.’ I don’t have a clue what it is. A biker type, ex-drug dealer of a bitter old man that I met on MyLot when I was a bitter old woman, sent it to me along with some stuff that was possibly Salvia divinorum. I never used any of it, even though I was wanting to try Salvia, because I didn’t trust the guy too much. But especially not that Krypton stuff… it smells like incense to me. I don’t know why I never threw it away. Maybe I thought I would change my mind. It’s going in the trash right now.

One small bottle of ‘SAGE GODDESS EMERALD ESSENCE’, touted as: “an extraordinary potion of enchantment. One of the finest Salvia divinorum preparations ever created, it engenders profound experiences that enrich and nurture mind and spirit. As a tool for exploring the psyche it can provide access to fresh, often startling, insights into the nature of consciousness, reality, perception, and the fundamental mysteries of existence.” Which Salvia divinorum does in fact provide, but I have yet to have much luck with this tincture. To use it involves getting through an excruciatingly hard and painful 5 to 15 minutes, and I have never had much happen at the end of those minutes so I’m not feeling as enthusiastic about it as I was when I paid 100 bucks for it. I’m gonna give it one more shot, as soon as the time comes when I think I can live through the killer burn and the horrible, horrible taste, and without dribbling green drool down my chin while I try to hold it under my tongue for 15 minutes! If it’s still a no gain situation at that point then I will throw the rest away, although I will keep the cobalt blue jar with the nifty dropper.

One disposable dropper, for mixing water with the dose of emerald essence.

A pair of reading glasses with a leopard design on the, ummm, handles? Ear rests? Holder uppers? I’m drawing a blank on what that part of the glasses is called.

A strip of Velcro left over from affixing my power strip to the wall so I can plug my ‘Fairy Sitting on a Crescent Moon’ nightlight into it.

One of those little recipe and information booklets that you sometimes find at the checkout line in a grocery store. This one is on yoga. It has a lot of interesting poses that I have not seen elsewhere, but it does not need to be in this drawer, I’ll put it with my other yoga books.

Two packets of Bugler rolling papers, which I have put in my smoking paraphernalia drawer. I’ll put that electronic cigarette charger in there too.

One Ziploc baggie with envelopes in it. Also some beautiful stamps with purple flowers and the word LOVE on them. I bought them when stamps were still just 44 cents though and now I will have to buy some stamps worth 1 cent in order to use them. There are also some liberty bell stamps in there which can still be used no matter what rate increases have occurred since I bought them.

An unused greeting card, still in it’s plastic wrapper, that says ‘Thinking of You’ on it. Good thing I went through this drawer, because if I had somebody I wanted to send a card like this to, I would not have remembered that I already had one and would have gone out and bought a new one. I wouldn’t have remembered my stamps were in here either!

A jade ring that is too big for my pinky, but too small for my ring finger. My daughter took that so it will not be going back into this drawer, although it is too large for her pinky and too small for her ring finger as well. I don’t know what she’s going to do with it.

A pink baggie all folded up with 4 little Styrofoam sticky feet in it. I don’t know what I could possibly need them for but if I ever did I wouldn’t think to look in this drawer for them. I think I’ll put them in my toolbox.

A small brush for cleaning my electric razor.

About 50 sample packets of eye cream. It seems like such a waste to throw them away. Maybe I’ll just start using them instead.

A silver filigreed book marker that fits over the corner of the page of the place you want to save. I think I’ll put that on my bed stand.

 THE END

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My Itinerary

I was having to go to work – a waitressing job – when I suddenly remembered that I had left Wolf in an empty house somewhere and didn’t even know if I could remember my way back to the house. I couldn’t fucking believe I had done that. He hadn’t wanted to come out when I left and I had planned on going back later and getting him, but I had forgotten, and now it had been days and days – with no food or water, plus the likelihood that somebody would have already found him there and taken him somewhere else was high.

Plus I didn’t know when I was supposed to be at work and for all I knew I had already missed my shift. I was trying to get dressed in double time so I could go see if wolf was still there, or look around the neighborhood for him, checking the animal shelters etc., if he wasn’t, and if he was I didn’t know how I could just leave him in the car all night, if I did in fact have to work. In the meantime I’m putting makeup on and got too much brown eye shadow on and had to take it off, with the clock tick tick ticking the minutes away.

There was a teeny weeny positive aspect to that dream which was that when I removed the eye shadow it all came off in one swipe – thank god for small favors and all that jazz, but it didn’t do a thing to alleviate any of the gut churning stress. I was criticizing myself mercilessly for the unbelievable acts of leaving Wolf there, and for not writing down my work schedule. There was no way I could undo any of it and I couldn’t see how it was logistically possible to have it all turn out right.

My stomach was churning sickeningly and my hand was shaking uncontrollably as I redid the eyeliner, while in my mind I was desperately going over and over and over the situation, even though I knew that finding a solution was not only against all odds, it was impossible. The facts was the facts was the facts, and there was no denying the facts.

I see now that the solution I was so desperate to find was a miracle, but I was too caught up in the facts as I saw them, too shocked by what I had done, too frozen in disbelief to even begin to realize I could CREATE the miracle that I had not even been able to bring myself to hope for with something so simple as a different perspective.

All in all, I’d say that dream perfectly illustrates my current emotional state and points out my direction… from disbelief to belief. Guess I better pack my bags, ‘cause apparently I’m setting off on a journey.

18Sept2014: I packed my bags alright, or rather my son did. And it was a pretty melodramatic exit I might add. I’m still on that journey. Just thought I’d make a note of that fact. And since I always love to have a moral to the story then I will add: Things don’t always work out the way you thought they would, but they always work out for your highest good, even if there seems to be no way they possibly could.

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Merry Christmas Mom!

This site is all yours to do as you please. Once you get comfortable you can upload your own things too!!

I hope you have fun with this!!

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